Confessions of a lousy parent.

Okay so I am just going to say it out loud!!! I am struggling being a good parent, and quite sick of going toe to toe with my four year old every ten minutes. So right now, I'd really rather be lazy and not parent at all. Trying to make all the right choices while simultaneously trying to teach someone else to do what's right is down right exhausting.  Parenting is hard and doing it well is even harder.

The past few days I have been so angry with Gabe I have either wanted to beat him or lock my self in a closet and cry. That may sound horrible but I 'm just going to admit it in case there is anyone else out there who has ever wanted to beat their strong willed four year old. Of course I did not and would not beat him but I have done what you would call "flipped out".  I have lost my cool, lost control, and then I feel even worse afterwards and think about how I for sure must be ruining the poor guy. And unfortunately this method has accomplished nothing except teach him how to loose his cool and get really good at it. So what is an overwhelmed parent to do? I have read all the books, taken parenting classes, asked friends for advice, but I still feel burdened by this challenge. I need help that's for sure,  and their is one source I keep forgetting to consult.

It never really occurs to me in the moment that God would care about my parenting struggles. That he is paying full attention when my child is screaming at me or waling on me with his slaps. It usually isn't until I have hit the breaking point of crying in the closet that I think to say "God, I need help!" My brain has been wired to think, well I am not doing something right so I need to fix it. God is in the business of much more important things than helping us moms.  What I am forgetting is that God is the one who allowed Gabe to come in my life and graciously picked me to be his parent. It is none other than my "Special Mission"  prepared in advance for me to do long long ago. This challenge I have been given is actually the endeavor God wants to be part of MOST. Gabriel is really His son anyway, and I am just honored I get to work with God while shaping him. Parenting well is without a doubt a mission and It is time to re-wire my brain to look to the one who gave me this mission to me for Help.

In the midst of all my struggling a certain verse keeps re-appearing to me. 1 Peter 5:6-7 "Humble yourselves,therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he might exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him because he cares for you. "

If your a Christian and a bible reader you have heard this verse a few times. However most people only quote "Cast all your anxieties on him because he cares for you" but it seems to me that this verse is one long sentence and verse 6 and 7 are meant to be read together.  If you are not much into the bible I'll try to share why I find these verses helpful. First of all humility, I have a big problem with pride and it bites me in the butt quite often. It is certainly part of what makes it hard for me to keep my cool during my parenting battles. So I need to humble myself, and admit that I am in need of my brilliant God to help me, and then cast my anxieties on him. If I cast my anxieties on him without humbling myself first, how will I be teachable and ready to receive His help? Humbling myself first is an important part of the restorative process. I am desperately praying God can restore and renew my lousy parenting. It will be hard work but I know He Will:)

Writing helps so immensely when I am overwhelmed, and if this is somehow helpful to other moms out there I am grateful and glad I have friends along side me in the struggle.  Thanks for reading my rants and confessions of a lousy parent.

Comfort and Joy

Who do you live to please everyday?

I make a billion decisions every day to please my self. I want to sleep in when I know I should get up. I want to satisfy my anger by lashing out at someone. I want to spend money I shouldn't on that latte because I just know it will make me feel better. I want to look like someone else so I envy others lives on Facebook. And then at the end of the night, although I have lived all day to please myself, I don't feel very good about myself. It reminds of Prince Rillian from C.S. Lewis's The Sliver Chair. He has become enchanted by an evil witch, a curse he lives under for ten years after falling to temptation. But during one hour every night, he becomes his true self. It is a miserable time for him because he can't get free. He sits bound in a chair knowing the deception he is under, but cannot escape.  I think sometimes, this is our spirit. "My soul yearns for you in the night; in the morning my spirit longs for you"-Isaiah 26:9 It seems like our spirit knows things that we don't. We can be sort of under a spell, acting foolish and not seeing quite clearly, but yet our spirit is greatly disturbed, longing and yearning for reunion with our Creator.  During the day I might drown out my spirit, with comforts and pleasures, and any fluff that I can find. But then when you turn off the TV, or get off of facebook, get bored with your iPhone, you feel something unsettled inside you that you cannot ignore. Maybe this is what Romans 8:26 is referring to. " We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."The spirit seems to have a mind of it's own.

"I sometimes wonder whether all pleasures are not substitutes for joy."-C.S. Lewis. I want pleasure because I have no joy. In fact,  It seem pleasures are imposters of joy. I indulge fully believing there will be a great reward. But alas I am always fooled, it is never lasting. I have an appetite for Joy, but I feed it with morsels of pleasure, which leaves me a much dissatisfied being. If I had joy, I could enjoy pleasure, without living for it. without living for myself, which is when I am most miserable. "He must become greater, I must become less"-John 3:30

The good news is that joy is not a fleeting feeling created by something you buy or an outward circumstance. Joy is a substantial force, a fruit of the spirit.  Joy can be found in the presence of the Lord, shed upon the upright heart or brought to the servant. ( Acts 2:28, Psalm 97:11, and Psalm 86:4) It is a much greater treasure then any pleasure.

Psalm 4:7, "You have put more joy in my heart, than they have when their grain and wine abound"