Have you ever had to watch someone go through a tragedy or loss that made you feel completely helpless? You're desperate to comfort them but don't know how and you're so afraid of doing the wrong thing you end up not doing anything. Those situations are intimidating and fragile to witness so many people never make it past Facebook or the front door with their thoughts and show of support. However we learn from those wiser and how to do it better, and from our own personal pain. When I lost my mother to Cancer it swept me off my feet and I learned some things about how to do better in the future for my fellow friends and family when it’s their turn.
2. So what can you say instead? After so many of the same exchanges I eventually came up with a way to answer to all the do you need anything ect. ect. “I honestly have no clue what I need but if you want to just think of something and do it! That would be great”
Many people showed up in my desperation and taught me the value of "just think of something and do it." For example; the morning of my mom's funeral a good friend came to my house with coffee in hand and helped get me and my family ready and out the door. I didn't ask, she just showed up and it was invaluable help I didn't even know I needed. Replace "let me know if you need anything" with "Id like to set up meals for your family this month" Simple adjustment that makes a huge difference. But what if you have no clue...that brings me to my next point!
3. Sometimes all you can do is Show Up!
Never be afraid of having nothing to offer but yourself! Don't worry about what to say, your presence is more powerful than words. Your presence declares loud and clear "I am willing to face your pain with you, it hasn't scared me away, I am here!" Sometimes this is the best possible way to bring relief. And guaranteed if you show up and stick around something will come up for you to do that can be helpful!
4. Stop trying to help by "fixing it"! Tragedy cannot be fixed, or repaired and there is no explanation sometimes . Understanding this is hard for most of us. Deny every urge to explain or reason on behalf of God, or the Universe please. Anyone with true insight into suffering knows it cannot be explained only experienced. Your most vital role is to be a friend and not try to be anything else, God, Counselor ect.
5. What I wish other people could understand! None of us get through without suffering to some extent. Nobody can prepare you for it. Nobody could have explained how a certain level grief feels like a disability. Things that used to be easy became hard, and I all the sudden I couldn't function at full capacity, and I was losing touch with friends left and right who intended the best by trying to let me be. Grief is a powerful force needed for the healing process I believe, but that process is not pretty. For me grief is about accepting total defeat and powerlessness to do or change anything about what was lost. It requires giving into pain that terrifies us to the core which is almost impossible to do alone. There is nothing easy or pretty or safe about it, but I do believe suffering can give us wisdom and compassion found nowhere on earth except in the middle of suffering.
So if after all that you still really want to help....better get brave! Be prepared to risk your own comfort,and convenience to stand next to someone else. Shoulder the load and lift with all your might to ease the burden. Pain can give us new drive and empower other to live more fully. All that's required is courage, heavy lifting and the hard work of surrender.
"Experience: the most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God you learn" -C.S. Lewis
Love, Dawn
