29th birthday

So as I sit here turning 29 today I've been doing some reflecting on the past couple years and I don't have much that is pretty to look at. I have more wreckage and causalities still lying about to clean up than I do proud milestones or accomplishments. I've been put to shame by the challenges I was so adamant to prove I could handle.  Everyone gets an uncomfortably close up view of your life when tragedy and suffering happen. It's like having a magnifying glass directly over the hardest break your heart has ever felt and not having anywhere to hide. The enormousness amount of pressure I felt from this magnified view of my vulnerability and weakness made it very hard for me to allow myself to struggle. I thought I was ready to handle however hard it was going to be to lose my mom but I had no idea what I was in for. I tried desperately to control how out of control my life had become, but that's the whole point of grief, is making you surrender because you no longer have control.

 So it is with much pain and foolishness, failure, blessings and the people who refused to give up on me that I have earned this 29th birthday. I don't know a damn thing that I thought I did but I do know some things I didn't before thanks to a huge lesson in humility. You don't just happen upon this stuff by chance, It's hidden treasure that requires a long hard fall from a horse and many face plants in the dirt to find.

If you are lucky enough to be humbled by God, he won't let you get back up until you've learned what you're supposed. Here is a couple things I think I needed to learn. 

1. I have learned to be better at forgiving. I have spent pretty much the last two years in a constant state of needing forgiveness. I have built a track record of needing forgiveness especially with thsoe nearest and dearest to me and I have had to ask for it as times I don't think I would have wanted to give it. So somebody please knock me upside the head if I ever act like I'm too good to forgive someone.  I've been given enough forgiveness for several of my lifetimes. I have thought many times that I was wronged beyond what deserved fogiveness and I used to think God agreed with me. I was wrong. If someone does something wront to you and they will, do not expect to hear from God "what an awful, unbelievable thing that person did. Thankfully I have you to teach them a lesson and make sure they feel so awful about what they did they will never do it again." God has never said that to me!? Not once! Why are so many other people hearing that?!  Even the time my friend stole money from me, even the time Dan decided he didn't want to participate in fatherhood. God always said the same thing. Every time. Forgive, Forgive, Forgive, Forgive, Forgive. This was very frustrating for a rightous person such as myself, so I would argue "But God she stole from me." I was furious the time my friend stole over $50 from Gabe's piggy bank. I was thinking, what an awful, unforgiveable thing, I need to teach her a lesson. If she hadn't happened to be on a plane that day I would have already called to give her a piece of my mind. But I couldn't do that so I talked to God instead, surely he'll be pissed I thought. And I have never forgot his response to me. It was either a super natural gift or me just making stuff up but the best way I can explain it is that God spoke to my spirit. Not audibly, but as clear as if it was. This was the gist of it..."Do you think I gave you my Grace so you could keep it tucked away in your pocket? I gave you my Grace so you could give it to others and if you keep it all to yourself, then you're stealing from me." Okay I get it now. Looking back on that situation, my friend was living in hell at that time trying to survive the battle of her lifetime. She was overpowered by a severe, full blown eating disorder already three years developed.  I looked down on her so self rightously and critizised her for not being strong enough to get over her eating disorder. The worst part of it wasI honestly believed that I was a really good christian! I can glady say thatt I was very wrong about that. Of course God insisted I forgive her for stealing from me. I was so righteous I had no idea I was the one in need of forgiveness. Right in front of me my friend was in her weakest time, tryting to survive deadliest battle of her.  I thought I was so above where she was that my only duty was to simply show her all that she was doing wrong. I'm glad to say I was very wrong. God was far more concerned with the way I was treating a friend in need than he was about me losing $50. I don't think he has much sympathy for any of us who don't help people when   

So God needed me to learn that i'm not allowed not to forgive. There will never be any excuses or exceptions. I am in no position to every say again that somebody went too far for my forgiveness becuase I have done worse. And Again, If I ever forget this please hit me. I do not want to have to re-learn it. Being able to fogive without condition and with totaly humility and love is one of the coolest gifts I have ever been able to give someone. There is nothing like getting grace when someone has every right to make you pay. I'm sorry christians are so terrible at that. I don't think it reflects how God thinks.  If that makes no sense to you don't worry it's my lesson not yours. God is requiring it of me. It's just part of what i'm supposed to do no this earth, is become an expert at forgiving. 

2. So another little take away.... There is only one time I every heard God say anthing different than "Forgive, forgive, forgive" And it was during this past season of my life as I was struggling with far more than I can handle and just like my friend with the eating disorder I did something wrong and stupid. My dear friends however believed in a different kind of christianity than I do, I was there once, and thought that being a good christian meant punishing me and going out of their way to use my failures against me despite my sincere attemnpt to make amends. So as you can understand I was hurt, and I did cry out and ask God, why he allowed them to do that to me?!   And I heard an asnwer in the same way I did before but this time it was "Don't forget how this feels, so that you never do it to anyone else" I have learned more about how to love people better these past few years than I ever did when I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I was above falling so low, I really did. Again, I was wrong. Most people have taught me how to love well when it's most difficuly but a few taught me what to do never do to someone in the midst of the pain I was in. If i'm being bold I would say I don't think God has any sympathy for peopple who don't help others when they're struggling and do it in his name. Like I said that is not what THANK YOU GOD for kicking my ass to the dirt when I needed it. I am very lucky and grateful to be able to love people in ways I didn't know how to before. 

Emily = Love

Thank You to my Emilie cast and crew,
I could have never done this without you.

I decided I wanted to write about this exceptional group of people and how much I appreciated all of you!

 First of all.....this girl!

 I had never worked directly with Kirsten before until this show. I was so thrilled when she cast me as Emilie and trusted me with such an honor. I decided I owed it to her to work as hard as I could. I didn't quite know what she thought of me at first and was so afraid she was going to regret her decision. However, it didn't take long for me to come to absolutely adore her and trust her as my director. Hope we work together again soon. Thank you again, for trusting me to do this!

Mr. Gustavo or Senior Voltaire

 This show has been my first stage experience with Gus as well. We knew each other for years doing theater at Venture. Although we had never acted together, I knew he had a good heart and fun attitude so it would be great. I'm sure I was totally obnoxious and drove him crazy much of the time but I appreciate everything you did!

My soul sister Kelsey.....

I know you still give me shit about dragging you along to auditions but you are truly remarkable in this show. You help the rest of us be great. No one else would be able to do what you can do in ten seconds of stage time with perfect comedic timing.  Several people have commented you were their favorite part. I honestly couldn't have done this without you here with me. I love our time on stage together, and you are probably the only twenty three year old who could legitimately pull of my mother. May we never ever stop having chances to work together.

And Kristin......Dear Husband, Newton, Soldier Poet

After all our time searching for a man, I am so thrilled you had the guts to go for the role and become our gentleman. I had a strong feeling you were the right one to do it.  You have absolutely exceeded all my expectations and successfully convinced Emilie you are a hell of a man! Thank you for supporting me on and off stage. Great work! 

Lovely Sydney!

 This show also granted me my first opportunity to work with Sydney. The first time I read a scene with her at rehearsal she was a breath of fresh air and still is every time we share the stage. Finding a scene partner like her is a rare treasure. I truly believe you were meant to play this role and be the one sitting on that bed with me at the end of each show. You are an extraordinary woman and force of talent. I hope we can most definitely work together again!

Glenda, you are incomparable to any other costumer I know. As well as the best person to be supporting you back stage. The blood, sweat and tears you spent to make this come to live has been magical. Thanks You!

Matt- Next show, you are my sound guy whether you want to be or not! Thanks for all your hard work for us.

Chloe- your the raddest thing to ever operate a light board in America. Love you and thank you for taking all the time to do this!

THANK YOU GOD AND YOUR BEST EQUATIONS! 

5 things suffering taught me about how to help people.....

Have you ever had to watch someone go through a tragedy or loss that made you feel completely helpless? You're desperate to comfort them but don't know how and you're so afraid of doing the wrong thing you end up not doing anything. Those situations are intimidating and fragile to witness so many people never make it past Facebook or the front door with their thoughts and show of support. However we learn from those wiser and how to do it better, and from our own personal pain. When I lost my mother to Cancer it swept me off my feet and I learned some things about how to do better in the future for my fellow friends and family when it’s their turn.

1. Acvoid all the "go to" phrases!  "Call if you need anything, let me know what I can do. ect. ect." These phrases are well intended but are the most common unhelpful response from everyone you know during a tragic life event.  So they get lost very easily and quickly in a sea of support. I have said them all myself but I recently vowed to rid them from my vocabulary. In my experience I didnt have a clue what I needed when my mom died so being asked was completely overwhelming and then the thought of reaching out to ask you placed too much responsibility on me . The ground had just fallen out from under me and I was in survival mode. The only concern I had was how to endure whatever came next.

2. So what can you say instead?  After so many of the same exchanges I eventually came up with a way to answer to all the do you need anything ect. ect. “I honestly have no clue what I need but if you want to just think of something and do it! That would be great” 

Many people showed up in my desperation and taught me the value of "just think of something and do it." For example; the morning of my mom's funeral a good friend came to my house with coffee in hand and helped get me and my family ready and out the door. I didn't ask, she just showed up and it was invaluable help I didn't even know I needed. Replace "let me know if you need anything" with "Id like to set up meals for your family this month" Simple adjustment that makes a huge difference. But what if you have no clue...that brings me to my next point! 

3. Sometimes all you can do is Show Up! 
Never be afraid of having nothing to offer but yourself!  Don't worry about what to say, your presence is more powerful than words. Your presence declares loud and clear "I am willing to face your pain with you, it hasn't scared me away,  I am here!" Sometimes this is the best possible way to bring relief. And guaranteed if you show up and stick around something will come up for you to do that can be helpful! 

4. Stop trying to help by "fixing it"!  Tragedy cannot be fixed, or repaired and there is no explanation sometimes . Understanding this is hard for most of us. Deny every urge to explain or reason on behalf of God, or the Universe please. Anyone with true insight into suffering knows it cannot be explained only experienced. Your most vital role is to be a friend and not try to be anything else, God, Counselor ect. 

5. What I wish other people could understand!   None of us get through without suffering to some extent. Nobody can prepare you for it. Nobody could have explained how a certain level grief feels like a disability. Things that used to be easy became hard, and I all the sudden I couldn't function at full capacity, and I was losing touch with friends left and right who intended the best by trying to let me be. Grief is a powerful force needed for the healing process I believe, but that process is not pretty.  For me grief is about accepting total defeat and powerlessness to do or change anything about what was lost. It requires giving into pain that terrifies us to the core which is almost impossible to do alone. There is nothing easy or pretty or safe about it, but I do believe suffering can give us wisdom and compassion found nowhere on earth except in the middle of suffering.

So if after all that you still really want to help....better get brave!  Be prepared to risk your own comfort,and convenience to stand next to someone else. Shoulder the load and lift with all your might to ease the burden. Pain can give us new drive and empower other to live more fully. All that's required is courage, heavy lifting and the hard work of surrender. 

"Experience: the most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God you learn" -C.S. Lewis

Love, Dawn

What a Wonderful Wedding Day

Coming up on almost three weeks being married and I must say I am really enjoying having a husband so far. Dan is a great guy and I am so thankful for what we have come through to get to where we are. 

 I wanted to take some time to jot down some of my favorite memories from the wedding day! 

First of all...my bridal party was the best there ever was and everywhere we went people noticed. They took great care of me and brought such joy throughout the whole process. I would pick each one of them again if I had to do it all over. They were one of the biggest blessing on my day. 

One of the favorite memories I have of the wedding is the "First Look". This is where the photographer sets up a special moment before the ceremony for the groom to see his bride in her dress for the very first time. It was a special moment. Dan waited out front and turned his back while they brought me out in my dress. I started tearing up the second I saw him standing there. I walked up and then told him to turn around. We both cried when we saw each other and were grinning from ear to ear. And then the best part; in the background while all this was happening I could hear all my bridesmaids oohhing and ahhing as the peeked through the blinds. It was the best moment ever and i'm so glad we got in on camera. 

Another highlight for me was having my amazing friend Karen there to coordinate the ceremony. I do not know how Brides get through their wedding day without a coordinator. If you are not married yet I highly recommend having one on your wedding day. Even if you just have a good friend who is administratively gifted do it for you like I did.  Thank you Karen for helping everything be perfect!

Dan's favorite moment and one of mine as well was when Gabe and Alice walked down the aisle. My friend Kelly made a special sign for Gabe to carry that said "Here She Comes Daddy" that Dan did not know about before hand. So when he saw that, the tears came streaming. It was so fun to get to surprise him with that. 

The Reception was such a blast and I loved watching people have fun. My good friends John and Nicole tore up the dance floor song after song and watching them dancing together made me smile. I hope Dan and I can dance with each other like after many years of marriage. 

I love kids at weddings and I'm so thankful for all the kids that got to come run around and have fun. My two little cousins Amanda and Miranda came dressed in the most adorable purple dresses. Having them there is a sweet memory to me because I remember being their age at their moms wedding . Amanda got to catch the bouquet and Miranda was probably the best dancer at the whole wedding only to be matched by my friends Tiffany's little two year old Nora. When she got in the middle of the dance circle and started jumping around like she owned the place my heart burst with joy. It was the cutest thing I've seen in a very long time. 

There are a hundred other great moments to go with these ones and of course just being surrounded by all our family and friends was priceless. My mom was incredible and I could have never done any of it without her. My most favorite decoration of the whole day was the beautiful arch she decorated and chandelier hanging from the middle of it. Thank you Mom!

It could not have been a more perfect joyful day and I have all of my friends and family to thank for that. I am the luckiest bride there is!

Thoughts from Ethiopia

 We have come upon the one year anniversary of when I got the blessing of traveling to Ethiopia with a work team from Harvest Church.  I randomly stumbled upon some thoughts I wrote down shortly after returning. Thought I would share them with you:)

What did I take home from Ethiopia?

It has been hard to process all that happened in the ten short days we experienced Ethiopia. Coming home was a total mix of emotions. I cried on my front step for a while after arriving back. I sat and talked with God about the new parts of his heart I saw and what in the world to do next? When people ask me “how was your trip?” I have a hard time describing my experience. I just reply, “It was amazing!” and don’t know where to go from there.  The most common questions I have gotten upon on returning has been, “Did seeing all that poverty depress you?” or “Were you totally broken while you were there”? And strangely enough, my answer is no.

It was difficult at first when we arrived in Addis. The standard of living for some is something I am not accustomed to seeing.  It was difficult to have children regularly begging us for money. Some of the houses people live in are in worse shape than our flimsiest tool sheds. As I sat in one of the houses I thought, “I could never fall asleep here.” There is no Wal-Mart or Target for you household accommodations, but the streets are lined with vendors selling out of holes in the wall. All of this at first was weird and uncomfortable, until I started to step out into Addis and meet the people of the city. It was amazing how quickly the things that were visible faded away, and what was invisible became clear. The invisible, which is the hope, joy and love that lives in the people of Ethiopia, completely overshadowed any shabby structure or dirty street. I didn’t care if my coffee was ground by a re-bar found at the dump; I was being served by some of the loveliest ladies I have ever had the fortune of sitting with. Having nothing us Americans would think was worth a dime, they served us fabulous coffee roasted and ground by their own hands. We hardly knew each other, but the way they treated us revealed Jesus to me. The way they served in the midst of having nothing, reminded me of how a true servant acts, who gives no matter what the cost. Nothing could have stopped these people from making us coffee or using the water they had walked miles for to wash our dirty hands. It is not an option for them to think about loving their neighbor; they live for each other, not for themselves. I loved being around the poorest of the poor that lived in Ethiopia. It was not depressing, but inspiring. I can see why Jesus liked to hang out with them so much as well. Their eyes are never on themselves or the things that they have. They look at each other and up towards God the Father, who they rely on for everything. I got to take away the biggest gift I could have possibly gotten, being taught about Jesus by the people of Ethiopia.

God busts out of the box!

As I was driving down the road taking Gabriel to Awana the other night I began to pray. I have been feeling like such a screw up in the "things of God" department lately. There is so much I could be doing better, I have been far more in tune with the part of me which lives to please myself than the spirit within me which desires to please God.  My spirit and my flesh are at war every day and never have I been more aware of this unseen battle. (See Galatians 5:17)

As I was praying I was asking God if he could please redeem my failures and my stupid mistakes, if he could please make things right in the midst of all I do wrong. This miraculous talent is something only God possess by the way. As I was finishing my prayers I had an overwhelming sense come over my heart. I didn't actually hear the voice of God but it was as clear as if I did. I imagine when this phenomenon happens it is probably a combination of the holy spirit and God's whisper bringing my heart to an understanding.

The overwhelming sense that I got, if I can even describe it was, "Dawn my love is ferocious, it is relentless, it is does not quit on you, and it does not depend on you" My brain went "of course", and I instantly understood in that moment that God's love is not human, it is far more superior than that. As well as we try to love each other as people, even our best attempts can't compare to God's unchangeable love. The love that we see amongst each other goes through seasons of change, it is not always constant, not always the same, and it is HARD WORK!  Although it does happen, it is a rare thing to see a love that is bigger than any circumstance. No wonder I have such a hard time believing this kind of love exists. 

But God cannot be put into a box!

Once someone belongs to God, there is absolutely not a damn thing they could ever do to change his mind about them. I predict that if any of of you knew me the way that God does, if you knew my inner thought life and transgressions you would have quite a different opinion of me. However God's relentless love is not shaken by anything, he is the strongest love of all. It is unfathomable to me that He could love me this way, but I am trying to understand.

God please help me to truly believe that your love does not depend on me. If I could know that for sure in my heart every day I would be invincible to any trouble I might face. Thank you for saving your dear child. Thank you that I belong to you and there is nothing I could ever do to change that.

Your Daughter,
Dawn

 "If we are faithless, he will remain faithful"-2 Timothy 2:13

"Where can I go from you Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I got up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths , you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast"-Psalm 139:7-10

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus" Romans 8:38-39

The point of Giving

Romans 8:32 says, "He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also graciously give us all things?"

I am grateful for this verse as I am reading it today. But what is most humbling and mind boggling to me is that God doesn't have to give us anything. He has already sacrificed the most precious thing to ever walk this earth, all for our benefit, and yet he is still willing to give. Why does God do this?

Recently I have been blessed by numerous people who wanted to give. Not because they owed it to me or wanted something in return, just simply to bless me. To be precise, I have been the recipient of 1,440.00 dollars through various givers in the past two weeks. Have you ever anonymously given someone 500 dollars?  You should try it some time. I cannot even describe how it feels to open up an envelope and find 500 dollars in it that is all yours, given to you for free.  These kind of surprises have been popping up for me this Christmas Season. I am blown away that people are willing to give their hard earned dollars away, for the sake of blessing others. Would I have still survived this Christmas without the generous donations of 1,440 dollars? Absolutely I would have but I am learning that that is not the point.

God does this as well. In fact, I believe that God provided every dollar of that money to me through those generous people.  So why would He still care to give to me after already saving my entire life through his Son? It would be as if I were sentenced to death for committing a terrible crime. Then, in order to get me out of it God sends his own son to come to the judge and willingly take the blame for everything. So although he is completely innocent, Jesus gets put to death. I then go free, and God spends the rest of my life providing for me and blessing me with money and gifts. It seems quite backwards. But this is the kind of God we have. There is no limit to his giving, simply because he delights in us. As Romans 8:23 points out, there is nothing He would not do for me.

God has been demonstrating this commitment to us from the beginning. Jesus could have been born to a wealthy family in a giant palace, a place truly fit for a King. But instead, God wanted to point out, there is nothing I won't do to bring my son to you. So there was no room for Jesus, not even a cheap hotel. He was born in a cave.  Our King was not treated as royalty, the bible tells us he was homeless most his life. When he did go into a palace, he was treated like this; "And the soldiers led him away inside the palace and they called together the whole battalion...they clothed him in a purple cloak, and twisting together a crown of thorns, they put it on him. They began to salute him, Hail, King of the Jews! And they were striking his head with a reed and spitting on him and kneeling down in homage to him. And when they had mocked him, they stripped him of the purple cloak and put his own clothes on him. And they led him out to crucify him." Mark 15:16-19.

There is no circumstance so lowly, no death that is too shameful, or torture so terrible that God would not do it for us. This year I am reminded that is what Christmas is about. Not just the incredible man we were given, but the way He was given to us. Thank you God for the most incredible present you gave to us that first Christmas night. We would be lost without your Son and without the one and only King.

Merry Christmas!!!!