So as I sit here turning 29 today I've been doing some reflecting on the past couple years and I don't have much that is pretty to look at. I have more wreckage and causalities still lying about to clean up than I do proud milestones or accomplishments. I've been put to shame by the challenges I was so adamant to prove I could handle. Everyone gets an uncomfortably close up view of your life when tragedy and suffering happen. It's like having a magnifying glass directly over the hardest break your heart has ever felt and not having anywhere to hide. The enormousness amount of pressure I felt from this magnified view of my vulnerability and weakness made it very hard for me to allow myself to struggle. I thought I was ready to handle however hard it was going to be to lose my mom but I had no idea what I was in for. I tried desperately to control how out of control my life had become, but that's the whole point of grief, is making you surrender because you no longer have control.
So it is with much pain and foolishness, failure, blessings and the people who refused to give up on me that I have earned this 29th birthday. I don't know a damn thing that I thought I did but I do know some things I didn't before thanks to a huge lesson in humility. You don't just happen upon this stuff by chance, It's hidden treasure that requires a long hard fall from a horse and many face plants in the dirt to find.
If you are lucky enough to be humbled by God, he won't let you get back up until you've learned what you're supposed. Here is a couple things I think I needed to learn.
1. I have learned to be better at forgiving. I have spent pretty much the last two years in a constant state of needing forgiveness. I have built a track record of needing forgiveness especially with thsoe nearest and dearest to me and I have had to ask for it as times I don't think I would have wanted to give it. So somebody please knock me upside the head if I ever act like I'm too good to forgive someone. I've been given enough forgiveness for several of my lifetimes. I have thought many times that I was wronged beyond what deserved fogiveness and I used to think God agreed with me. I was wrong. If someone does something wront to you and they will, do not expect to hear from God "what an awful, unbelievable thing that person did. Thankfully I have you to teach them a lesson and make sure they feel so awful about what they did they will never do it again." God has never said that to me!? Not once! Why are so many other people hearing that?! Even the time my friend stole money from me, even the time Dan decided he didn't want to participate in fatherhood. God always said the same thing. Every time. Forgive, Forgive, Forgive, Forgive, Forgive. This was very frustrating for a rightous person such as myself, so I would argue "But God she stole from me." I was furious the time my friend stole over $50 from Gabe's piggy bank. I was thinking, what an awful, unforgiveable thing, I need to teach her a lesson. If she hadn't happened to be on a plane that day I would have already called to give her a piece of my mind. But I couldn't do that so I talked to God instead, surely he'll be pissed I thought. And I have never forgot his response to me. It was either a super natural gift or me just making stuff up but the best way I can explain it is that God spoke to my spirit. Not audibly, but as clear as if it was. This was the gist of it..."Do you think I gave you my Grace so you could keep it tucked away in your pocket? I gave you my Grace so you could give it to others and if you keep it all to yourself, then you're stealing from me." Okay I get it now. Looking back on that situation, my friend was living in hell at that time trying to survive the battle of her lifetime. She was overpowered by a severe, full blown eating disorder already three years developed. I looked down on her so self rightously and critizised her for not being strong enough to get over her eating disorder. The worst part of it wasI honestly believed that I was a really good christian! I can glady say thatt I was very wrong about that. Of course God insisted I forgive her for stealing from me. I was so righteous I had no idea I was the one in need of forgiveness. Right in front of me my friend was in her weakest time, tryting to survive deadliest battle of her. I thought I was so above where she was that my only duty was to simply show her all that she was doing wrong. I'm glad to say I was very wrong. God was far more concerned with the way I was treating a friend in need than he was about me losing $50. I don't think he has much sympathy for any of us who don't help people when
So God needed me to learn that i'm not allowed not to forgive. There will never be any excuses or exceptions. I am in no position to every say again that somebody went too far for my forgiveness becuase I have done worse. And Again, If I ever forget this please hit me. I do not want to have to re-learn it. Being able to fogive without condition and with totaly humility and love is one of the coolest gifts I have ever been able to give someone. There is nothing like getting grace when someone has every right to make you pay. I'm sorry christians are so terrible at that. I don't think it reflects how God thinks. If that makes no sense to you don't worry it's my lesson not yours. God is requiring it of me. It's just part of what i'm supposed to do no this earth, is become an expert at forgiving.
2. So another little take away.... There is only one time I every heard God say anthing different than "Forgive, forgive, forgive" And it was during this past season of my life as I was struggling with far more than I can handle and just like my friend with the eating disorder I did something wrong and stupid. My dear friends however believed in a different kind of christianity than I do, I was there once, and thought that being a good christian meant punishing me and going out of their way to use my failures against me despite my sincere attemnpt to make amends. So as you can understand I was hurt, and I did cry out and ask God, why he allowed them to do that to me?! And I heard an asnwer in the same way I did before but this time it was "Don't forget how this feels, so that you never do it to anyone else" I have learned more about how to love people better these past few years than I ever did when I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I was above falling so low, I really did. Again, I was wrong. Most people have taught me how to love well when it's most difficuly but a few taught me what to do never do to someone in the midst of the pain I was in. If i'm being bold I would say I don't think God has any sympathy for peopple who don't help others when they're struggling and do it in his name. Like I said that is not what THANK YOU GOD for kicking my ass to the dirt when I needed it. I am very lucky and grateful to be able to love people in ways I didn't know how to before.
So it is with much pain and foolishness, failure, blessings and the people who refused to give up on me that I have earned this 29th birthday. I don't know a damn thing that I thought I did but I do know some things I didn't before thanks to a huge lesson in humility. You don't just happen upon this stuff by chance, It's hidden treasure that requires a long hard fall from a horse and many face plants in the dirt to find.
If you are lucky enough to be humbled by God, he won't let you get back up until you've learned what you're supposed. Here is a couple things I think I needed to learn.
1. I have learned to be better at forgiving. I have spent pretty much the last two years in a constant state of needing forgiveness. I have built a track record of needing forgiveness especially with thsoe nearest and dearest to me and I have had to ask for it as times I don't think I would have wanted to give it. So somebody please knock me upside the head if I ever act like I'm too good to forgive someone. I've been given enough forgiveness for several of my lifetimes. I have thought many times that I was wronged beyond what deserved fogiveness and I used to think God agreed with me. I was wrong. If someone does something wront to you and they will, do not expect to hear from God "what an awful, unbelievable thing that person did. Thankfully I have you to teach them a lesson and make sure they feel so awful about what they did they will never do it again." God has never said that to me!? Not once! Why are so many other people hearing that?! Even the time my friend stole money from me, even the time Dan decided he didn't want to participate in fatherhood. God always said the same thing. Every time. Forgive, Forgive, Forgive, Forgive, Forgive. This was very frustrating for a rightous person such as myself, so I would argue "But God she stole from me." I was furious the time my friend stole over $50 from Gabe's piggy bank. I was thinking, what an awful, unforgiveable thing, I need to teach her a lesson. If she hadn't happened to be on a plane that day I would have already called to give her a piece of my mind. But I couldn't do that so I talked to God instead, surely he'll be pissed I thought. And I have never forgot his response to me. It was either a super natural gift or me just making stuff up but the best way I can explain it is that God spoke to my spirit. Not audibly, but as clear as if it was. This was the gist of it..."Do you think I gave you my Grace so you could keep it tucked away in your pocket? I gave you my Grace so you could give it to others and if you keep it all to yourself, then you're stealing from me." Okay I get it now. Looking back on that situation, my friend was living in hell at that time trying to survive the battle of her lifetime. She was overpowered by a severe, full blown eating disorder already three years developed. I looked down on her so self rightously and critizised her for not being strong enough to get over her eating disorder. The worst part of it wasI honestly believed that I was a really good christian! I can glady say thatt I was very wrong about that. Of course God insisted I forgive her for stealing from me. I was so righteous I had no idea I was the one in need of forgiveness. Right in front of me my friend was in her weakest time, tryting to survive deadliest battle of her. I thought I was so above where she was that my only duty was to simply show her all that she was doing wrong. I'm glad to say I was very wrong. God was far more concerned with the way I was treating a friend in need than he was about me losing $50. I don't think he has much sympathy for any of us who don't help people when
So God needed me to learn that i'm not allowed not to forgive. There will never be any excuses or exceptions. I am in no position to every say again that somebody went too far for my forgiveness becuase I have done worse. And Again, If I ever forget this please hit me. I do not want to have to re-learn it. Being able to fogive without condition and with totaly humility and love is one of the coolest gifts I have ever been able to give someone. There is nothing like getting grace when someone has every right to make you pay. I'm sorry christians are so terrible at that. I don't think it reflects how God thinks. If that makes no sense to you don't worry it's my lesson not yours. God is requiring it of me. It's just part of what i'm supposed to do no this earth, is become an expert at forgiving.
2. So another little take away.... There is only one time I every heard God say anthing different than "Forgive, forgive, forgive" And it was during this past season of my life as I was struggling with far more than I can handle and just like my friend with the eating disorder I did something wrong and stupid. My dear friends however believed in a different kind of christianity than I do, I was there once, and thought that being a good christian meant punishing me and going out of their way to use my failures against me despite my sincere attemnpt to make amends. So as you can understand I was hurt, and I did cry out and ask God, why he allowed them to do that to me?! And I heard an asnwer in the same way I did before but this time it was "Don't forget how this feels, so that you never do it to anyone else" I have learned more about how to love people better these past few years than I ever did when I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I was above falling so low, I really did. Again, I was wrong. Most people have taught me how to love well when it's most difficuly but a few taught me what to do never do to someone in the midst of the pain I was in. If i'm being bold I would say I don't think God has any sympathy for peopple who don't help others when they're struggling and do it in his name. Like I said that is not what THANK YOU GOD for kicking my ass to the dirt when I needed it. I am very lucky and grateful to be able to love people in ways I didn't know how to before.
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